24 years young…sometimes I feel like an old lady trapped in a youths body. No really…I’m always wiping stuff off peoples faces or saying something that hasn’t been heard since 1942, such as my husband’s personal favorite “ya done pissed me off” or “holy mackerel”.
I’m super awkward, I don’t say that to label myself, but seriously.. I am. The other night for instance, my husband and I were out with my parents at a nice restaurant when in walks one of my friends’ sister that I had literally just showed my parents a picture of. Instead of waving like a normal American and saying ‘hi’…I yelled-for real- “oh my gawd hey Annie! I just showed my parents a picture of you!” She gave a small wave and said haha ookay! My husband cleared his throat and simply said “at-least you made that subtle, non-awkward introduction to your parents. Jesus.” So no…I really am. Another quick example.. at my husbands work function they made partner with a new architecture firm and the owner of this firm was behind me (I thought it was someone else mind you) offered me some red wine… I replied woof no, tastes like my shit in a glass. No lie. I turned around and just fell in love with my life. I made a bee line to my husband saying “WE NEED TO LEAVE I AM SO SORRY”. Turns out he didn’t give a shit and all was forgotten… but it still makes me sick to my stomach to think of it…and I’m not looking forward to future work functions.
So Hi I’m Brittany. I was born and raised in Iowa City, Iowa. I emerged from my mother, Brenda July 19, 1989 at 7:19 pm weighing 9 lbs and like 11 oz. and 21 inches long. She immediately knew I was going to be a handful… I mean… I was massive and I had these huge blue eyes and really weird toes. I had “ahhh shit” written all over me. My sister was 3 years older than me by 2 days. I was the best gift she would ever receive.
My brother Josh was a ‘surprise’ 14 months later. As my dad puts it “we went to get away from our kids for a weekend in Des Moines and we came home with son”. Gross. He was hands down, the cutest nugget….my brother, not my dad. So here’s where my story takes off. Here I am. Brittany the middle child. A child who regardless of where she was in a birthing line up… was a die hard, over dramatic, fashion forward, little girl who should have gone to Hollywood. All I wanted in life was to be noticed. LOOK AT ME!! –> No I never directly said that but everything I did was to be noticed. From what I wore…which was always dresses…to how nicely I made my bed, or how neat my latest art project was. I was a clean freak. I wanted to make my mom proud and I wanted to stay my dads little girl forever.
In all our home videos you see me..in a dress..in the way..causing a scene. Then you hear Lenny (my dad) “Bear!!! Get outa the way!!” or “Britty…out of the way…this is your brothers birthday”. By the way.. my nickname is Bear because I can scream like it’s nobody’s buisness as well as give my dad the best hugs that were considered ‘bear hugs’. I also told my Grandpa to not say the ‘b word’ while in Canada fishing which the ‘b word’ is obviously “bear” because I was terrified that one would come into our camp. But yeah..so that’s me…
So…here’s where I get awkward… I used to be in gymnastics..no where near as good as my sister Shannon, but I was obsessed with it. Until however I landed wrong into the foam pit. I was real good at doing the splits..like fantastic.. I was tall and gangly, how could I not be good? So there I was, jumping and doing the side splits in the air on the trampoline and I landed in that position into the pit… my leotard came up my hoo-hah and yeah…my mom came to pick me up only to take me straight to the hospital…how fun was it for my dad to meet my mom at the hospital and get questioned about why his 5 year old daughter needed stitches & surgery down there. So I had that happen… not exactly a story to tell over dinner but I was young and it happened.
So lets flash forward a few years after moving to small town Algona, Iowa after Iowa City. I was 7 or 8 and in 3rd grade. I came down with a fever over 103 for a week. A week people… oh and did I mention I became paralyzed on my right leg? I literally could not move it. After countless doctor visits, chiropractor appointments, and almost two months missed of school my parents had enough and took me to Blank Children’s Hospital in Des Moines. One look at me and Dr. Farber (bless his soul) said there is something wrong with this girl (according to my mom… I was literally on my death bed so I dont remember a thing). Turns out I had Staph Infection in my right leg/ hip (after a total body scan) which I remember looking at my pictures from the scan and my whole right side was black. Not only did I have staph infection…but it was in my bone and it was killing me. No for real, I know people say this all the time…but I was down to about 55 lbs at the age of 8 years old… I was dying. So in I went to surgery and they took out a fragment of my hip bone (real small) leaving me with a third nipple by my inner thigh ( no for real..my husband felt it one time and was like that is disturbing) they tested it and got the results. The next day I went in for a Picc Line which I had to leave in for 42 days. A week later I left the hospital and began to recover. However I did have to carry around a medicine pack that resembled a really terrible cross body purse… which is how I first met my husband.
He was jumping on our trampoline (that I obviously could not use due to my illness) and I caught him red handed and told him to get off. He went home and told his mother “that retarded girl told me to get off her trampoline”. Now I used to work with mentally handicapped adults so yes I hate this term but its for story purposes suck it up. But yes folks, my now husband thought I was mentally challenged.
After being together for 7 years and married for almost 4 months..sadly… somedays he says he still thinks I am.
WOW THAT WAS LONG-did you read that with lots of authority?
So yeah… that’s just the tip of the iceberg folks…it’s not beautiful, or poetic..its real and raw. This is me and this is part of how I became who I am today…If you don’t want to read things like this than that’s fine because I probably wouldn’t either but I promise it is worth atleast a ‘skim through’ or skip this post and read the others about make up.
But be warned.. upcoming posts will include
My mothers battle with depression
My life as an awkward 7th grader
My highschool years
My college years
My OWI–OH MY
The death of my Grandpa
Why my brother will become president (metaphorically speaking)
Why my sister is a super woman
My romance with my husband
My relationships that didn’t involve my husband and what I learned from them
The relationship that nearly ruined me
SEX– dirtay but beautiful.
And just keep in mind…nothing will be in grave detail because thats my personal story-you don’t need a play by play..you just need to read and be able to relate and learn.
( my husband just said “hey sweetie”…and farted…)
Good night my loves.