It’s been a few days since losing Baby P, and I thought I would just check in and let everyone know how everything is. It seems me talking on the phone or in person is hard to do, I don’t want people to feel sorry for us, so putting on a smile and saying I’m okay or we’re okay is acceptable to most. With their response mainly being “yeah I’m sure it’ll take some time.”
There is no “time” to get over something like this…we never will…and we don’t want to.
Yesterday I went back to work, which was okay, but then I took a big step and went out with Adam’s co-workers after work for a drink. One of his co-workers sat down with his wife and out of no where she says “oh no thanks I’m not drinking…we are excepting November 28!”.
I literally felt the floor fall out from under me. This was our baby’s due date (not that it would have been the exact day…but it was what my due date calculator told me..which is also Adams birthday as well as my dads). The girl sitting next to me was like “oh my goodness how exciting!!! are you going to find out the sex?” etc etc… I had my drink in my hand, already feeling guilty that I am now aloud to enjoy a beer, I set it down and turn my head to Adam and said hey, I need to leave. He stood up immediately like an awkward husband does, not knowing what to do and asked what I needed, what happened, etc. I told him quietly that they (the couple) were expecting on November 28…and I began to shake…so he replied okay lets go to your car. So I excused my self and by the time I was out of the restaurant, there came the tears again. He brought me to my car and told me that he needed to run back in and pay. He told his co workers that I wasn’t feeling well and we drove back in silence…well not silence…I was crying the whole way home.
What are the chances that the day I decide to resume a semi normal life, I take a step back and find myself crying uncontrollably in my basement again. I was angry at Adam, I was angry at myself that I couldn’t even be happy for a couple that I have no emotional connection to, or barely know for that matter. I was mostly angry to my poor husband. Why did he not tell his co workers earlier that sadly we don’t get to welcome a baby into the world? Was he hiding it, or was he embarrassed to tell people? The more he didn’t tell people, such as his friends or people he sees everyday, the worse I began to feel. I DON’T WANT THIS TO BE A SECRET. OUR BABY IS NOT A SECRET. THE MORE YOU HIDE IT, THE MORE SAD I BECOME.
Is what I told him. Yes, in that authoritative voice too. I told him I don’t want people to feel sorry for us, I want people to be sorry for the baby that didn’t make it into this world, for the baby who didn’t physically get to be a part of our family. His response was…well, you guessed it, perfect. I never give Adam enough credit when it comes to any emotional situation, or deep conversation. I feel that he’s too much of a man and doesn’t know what to say… but he does.
I’ll summarize it for you because his words are so personal that for once, I don’t feel like putting it all out there for one to read.. so it went a little something like this…
Every time you shut me out, I count the seconds, minutes, or, sadly, the hours of when you come back to me and tell me it’s time to talk. I give you space, I give you silence, I give you what you tell me to give you…I hate it. I hate when you don’t want me to do my job. My job is to make you happy and smile. I don’t want to fail you… I am sad, I’m hurt, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life is rarely fair, actually it’s never fair… (which is really all I wanted to hear).
There was more of course but this is what stuck with me… Again, the beauty of a marriage…is a partnership. I’m a dreamer, he’s a realist. We are polar opposites… and without me, he would never get off the ground, and without him, I would never come down from the clouds.
So where does this update put me? It puts me right where I am…at my kitchen table with my cat on my lap home alone. Adam is headed home to a funeral for one of his best friends mother. Why did I not go? Because right now, selfish, rude, whatever negative connotation you feel like putting with it, I can’t grieve for my baby and someone else…its not emotionally possible right now. So where do I want to be? I don’t want to be a recluse, or a home body whatever you want to call it..I just want to be in a place where I’m comfortable and a fake smile isn’t needed.
We have both been reading things the hospital gave us about how to deal with a miscarriage, and it’s actually very helpful. Adam has been reading how to, as a father, grieve with a miscarriage…which has also been helpful, I’m like a textbook case, he knows what stage I’m at and what to expect… and he doesn’t question. He just tackles whatever I need head on, with little question as to why I’m asking him to do something, or tell someone something.
So everyone, there’s where we are at, if you were wondering…and if you read this…and still are wondering what to say… and you want to say something to us…it’s simple… Tell us you read our story… you understand and you are here for us. Or, hey…read your story, or heard what happened, and life fucking sucks. Be honest and be truthful. Say what you want, because clearly, that’s what we have been doing this whole time. It makes life a lot easier to just say what you feel, or need, instead beating around the bush or stuttering. If life sucks right now. Say it. If life is unfair..say it. If life is ain’t always beautiful, say it.
I listen to 3 AM by Matchbox 20, every morning… and it literally just puts exactly how I’m feeling into a melody. Plus, for the past week since our loss, I have woken up at 3 am and 3:46 am every morning…and each morning I flip on the light and look over at Adam to make sure he’s still there. I don’t know why either…I have started having dreams that we are in terrible car accidents and the only words I remember myself saying are “Adam talk to me”. However, last night was the first time he woke up with me…and as soon as I turned the light on and sat up in bed he reached out his arm and automatically said “hey I’m right here.”
Because outside, it’s stopped raining.