This pregnancy has done a number on my anxiety, and rightfully so. However, I have managed it better than what I thought I could. I wish I could control my mood swings and irritability as well as I have my anxiety, but ya can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Today has definitely tested my anxiety. I received a call from my nurse saying that my previous blood work came back and I tested positive for the antibody D. Which, was so confusing. I am RH- and I just received my RHOGAM shot at 28 weeks which is to prevent my blood from mixing with Kerrigan’s during delivery. However, what I have going for me now is the possibility that with this antibody D in my system the RHOGAM shot didn’t work and my titer levels need to be tested to see how high the antibody levels are. I will get the results tomorrow morning or Monday morning. To dumb this down for everyone, there are a variety of things that can happen if my levels are higher than a 1:4, anything from Kerrigan developing jaundice, still birth, premature labor (or being induced early), or blood transfusions. Again, my doctor said not to worry as of right now (OKAY LADY) and we will see what my numbers are. Damn you blood.
Back to my original post, getting pregnant again scared the crap out of me in more ways than one. I had come to depend on my Lorazepam at night to sleep soundly and ease my anxiety. Well, as soon as I saw a big fat positive on that pee stick I knew that was the first thing that had to go (as well as my wine). It was surprisingly easy to let my “safety net” (Lorazepam) go because all I thought about was the baby. So I started to do other things to ease my anxiety. I started practicing belly breathing. I made sure to talk to my husband about ANYTHING that caused me anxiety, I stayed pretty active the first trimester and kind of into the second, then I got really terrible and stopped due to my numerous body aches. I was open about everything that I was feeling, and I checked with other moms or expecting moms about how they were feeling and seeing if how I felt was normal. I’ve talked about my detachment to Kerrigan in the beginning and how it still continues for me (I’m 30 weeks now) and I think that after this whole experience, and it being my first pregnancy, I’ve been in survival mode. I just want to get her out safe and healthy, I have my bonding moments with her but all in all, I just want this pregnancy to be over with and see her physically, not just feel her.
My bonding moments lately have been through meditation and yoga. I have never taken a yoga class but I know what poses work for me and release tension. With meditation, I do belly breathing and I focus on her movements (which is why in my photos I’m not wearing a shirt during this time, I like skin to skin contact) and imagine a candle flame in my head flickering. I let my mind wander for a while (anywhere from 5-20 minutes) and I center myself and let the thoughts drift out of my head. I sort through my thoughts from most bothersome to the “what if’s”. The “what if’s” are my downfall. With each thought I let come into my head, I pause and I accept that I worry about it, and move on. Sometimes my mind get’s so at peace I forget most of my worries for that day and I stay meditating until I get disturbed (my husband comes home, or Zelda decides to be Zelda). I don’t take it too seriously and just try to at least give myself 30 minutes in the meditation state. Sometime’s I don’t get to a peaceful place but I still feel refreshed after having that time.
Again, I’ve never taken a yoga class but I have researched and found what poses work for me. They are very simple, and because of that, I am able to repeat them as often as needed or hold the poses for a longer amount of time. It’s always funny to me to see a picture of a pose and think “that’s not going to affect me at all”. Then I do said pose, and I feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead. Yoga is mind and strength combined which leads to sweat. 😀
I’m not upset by how my body has changed, more intrigued and a concerned. It is crazy to me that I step on the scale and see 155-160 staring back at me(depending on the day), but look in the mirror and see that sure I’ve rounded out a lot, and developed lady lumps, but I don’t see 160 lbs. I have developed cellulite, not that I didn’t have it before, but it was hardly noticeable. I called my mom the other day because I needed to let off LOTS of steam, and complained that my phanny and thighs had so many dimples on them, my boobs were leaking, I couldn’t breathe, and I just wanted to punch everyone in the face due to my irritation. She listened to me and after laughing, said “Pregnancy gives you character Brittany, embrace it.” Of course I was all sorts of upset and I replied, ” I have enough character don’t you think?”
It’s tough seeing my itty bitty friends prance around in some of my summer clothes I loaned them (I hate seeing cute clothes not being used) and thinking, “those would reach me only mid thigh right now”, but then I complain to my husband who honestly has never been more attracted to me than he is right now, and I remember that I’m growing a baby, and it’s okay to feel like this. I’m sure he could do without all my excessive belching (acid reflux sucks), farting, frequent pee trips in the middle of the night, and constant whining about what’s coming out of my boobs today, but guys, I hit the husband jack pot with him. He will hate these next few statements but it’s my blog so.
I had a break down about 2 weeks ago, and it was bad. We had just gotten back from a walk and I suddenly had a hot flash and I took off my shirt and just sat in bed. I felt out of control of my body. I literally felt “full”, like I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t escape my body and how I felt. Adam came in and I tried to calm myself down but then it just all spilled out. I bawled, and it was a deep throaty cry that almost made me laugh at the same time because Kerrigan was pushing on my lungs that day causing my cry to sound almost like a man. I started coughing, calmed down, and then when I tried to talk to Adam it just all came back and I just kept saying “I can’t stop crying, it won’t stop.” Adam just says “It’s not supposed to.”
When my crying came to a close we talked about how I was feeling and he advised me to just ask around and see who else feels like this (turns out my sister knew exactly how I felt). I described the feeling as my body going into a panic attack, but my mind staying dormant. After a good 20 minute talk he promised to rub my feet later and I jumped in the shower feeling 10 pounds lighter. The thing that helps is when Adam drops what he’s doing, at work, at home, anywhere, and says “lets talk about this”. I don’t need flowers the next day, or a gift saying how proud of me he is, I just need his time and his humor. Like the time I hugged him laying down and he pretended he couldn’t fit his arms around me anymore and said “whooa, yer a big girl.” He get’s me and knows when I need a laugh. Public service notice : If you hear Adam say “fatty” referring to me, I gave my self the nickname, I’m aware he uses it 😀
I passed my glucose test with flying colors, baby looks great, measuring a bit ahead of 30 weeks, and besides this recent phone call with my antibodies, and my random aches & pains, Kerrigan is developing wonderfully. The pessimist in me however says “something is going to go wrong Brittany, just wait for D Day (delivery day)”. How terrible of me.
I will be doing an updated foundation routine, as well as a review of the new NYX Wonder Stick. My birthday is this Sunday so my family will be in town, I wonder if my mom will let me do her make up?! I’ve been getting asked a lot about make up for older women, and I have a wedding coming up in August where I am doing a bride and her mother, as well as a wedding the next day (one is on a Friday and one Saturday) so I will be having those pictures to share of how I do make up on women in their 40’s and up. It’s honestly all about knowing your skin and camouflaging what you don’t like, and highlighting what you like. It’s not about getting your brows “on fleek” or wearing the newest lip color, it’s about enhancing your face at your age appropriately. Trust me, I would never do a cat eye on my mother. Also, at the end of July I have make up to do for two engagement photos & we are taking a trip to Dubuque, Iowa for our “baby moon”. I get a spa day, a trip to the Titanic museum and we get to stay with Adam’s brother in his new house! So lot’s of photos and outfits coming soon!
My business cards are also in, so I will be shamelessly throwing them at people.