This post came to me yesterday evening while hanging out with my crew (Adam and Kerrigan). I am almost 27 years old and if you would have asked me in that moment what happiness was I would have said contentment. Contentment on where I am in life right now. We aren’t trying to get pregnant, don’t want another peanut for a few years, we have bought a house, we have gotten into a routine, and we feel complete. I’m not waiting on the next big thing anymore, because that thing is here, that is Kerrigan. She is our future and nothing else seems to matter anymore. Now, if you would have asked me what happiness was two years ago, or five, it would have been dramatically different.
College years would have meant I was happy when my homework was done, I was off work and I looked like a million bucks heading to mug night.
First year of marriage happy would have been sitting downstairs with Adam watching a movie with Zelda.
But during all those times I was never content. I was always waiting on something. Maybe it was my anxiety, but I didn’t just live day by day, it was wake up, go to work, wait for the weekend, or wait for Adam to get a new job, wait to move, wait for things to feel settled. I never had that, until Kerrigan. Took me a few months, don’t get me wrong, post partum can be a hell of a thing, but the past few nights I’ve fallen asleep without any sleep meds, I’m off my thyroid pill, and I’m slowly (like turtle slow) going off of my Zoloft. I’m content. I don’t scrounge around to find plans for the weekend, Kerrigan is our plan, and it’s the most refreshing thing I’ve ever known.
She’s for the most part an easy baby, but she doesn’t sleep through the night and honestly, we haven’t tried that hard to get her to. If she wakes up and needs us, we go to her. I always tell myself that “you are going to miss these days” and I start to cherish them. I’ve never honestly “cherished” a moment, because like before, I was always waiting on the next big thing. Even at our wedding, I was like okay lets get this over with so we can start our lives, which then led to waiting on things to happen in our lives, spiraling into a lack of contentment.
I thought I was going to be a freak about getting my body back, but I have been happy with going to the gym three times a week and seeing slow and steady results. Suddenly taking care of Kerrigan is more important than abs, and if she’s sleeping when it’s time for me to go to the gym, I don’t go. Contentment.
I thought I would be that mom who always looks put together when she goes out, not those crazy mom’s with a sucker in her hair, spit up on her boob and no make up. Turns out I’m the mom that looks very homely while at home, and I call getting “put together” putting my hair in a bun and putting my contacts in to go to the store. The funny thing about that, is I have never felt more beautiful without make up on then I do as a mom. So whatever I look like, that’s what it is. Contentment.
The first couple months of Kerrigan being earth side I was a control freak about my house, I wanted it to be always be picked up and put together, but after reevaluating WHY I needed my house to look like that, it dawned on me that I do it for myself. I have my house clean for myself, and suddenly I thought it was selfish. Kerrigan wants to play and I’m washing bottles and breast pumps. How unfair to her. So I began to just let it go and smile when I see a dirty bib in the sink, little socks randomly lying around the house, an unmade bed, or toys all over the floor. Those things are that way because I have a daughter, and because I have a daughter, things can be that way. Contentment.
Now some day I will be content with other people taking care of my children, but that’s a work in progress..lets not rush things. Kerrigan’s schedule, naps, and feedings are something I do get anxious about because I know Kerrigan like I know myself, I know how much she needs to eat and when, I know when she needs a nap and when she can maybe skip one. It’s what I tell Adam a lot, when he says “well how do you know that?” I just say “cause I know”.
Contentment: a goal I’ve achieved after 26 years due to the birth of my daughter.